Facing reality, and an AITA?

If you have me following you, there's a reason I haven't subbed

I’ve got two things I need to talk about today - one nearly ended up a super long note on my phone, the other is…well, not easy. It’s an ‘AITA’ style question, because I feel I did the right thing for me, but I’m not sure if the things I said were right.

Let’s go with the harder one first. If you’re curious about the follow/subscribe saga, it’s later.

Reality

In the last 60 days, I’ve been perfectly fit and well to work for….five of them. I’ve pushed my luck for another five. That’s two weeks out of eight, if I’m on a five day working week.
That reality isn’t something I’m comfortable with. That reality, in fact, is something I really could do without, but right now, is the only reality I know. Various things that I’m doing right now mean that this ‘reality’ means that I’m either getting server work done, or I’m writing, or I’m sitting down to edit and feeling lousy… I have to budget my time for the stuff I do as my job, as the main person that cleans the house, as a volunteer. As a person, as a partner, as a parent. I’m falling far short of being able to work, and while I know I took quite a beating, emotionally, and physically doing everything I did in June, and there were some sub-optimal things that went on that probably didn’t help, the reality is I’m profoundly disabled, by anyone’s standards, and when my health bottoms out, I need to start thinking about how I maximise spoons. Which is why I got really annoyed this week with the two messages a day sitting in my private messages, as I’d followed someone but not subscribed.

I’ll be talking about how reality looks in the next few weeks - I’ve decided that if I’m well enough, this weekend will be all about getting on with my new office, as far as I can. So…hopefully, alongside talking about how I sort out plans, and what those plans now look like, I might get to share some photos of the new office and how we’re handling it all.

The other part of this reality is bi-polarbears is 22, Kaiberie.com is 21, and my hosting company is 20, so I’m really feeling pulled in too many directions right now and clarity tells me that it’s only going to get harder as I reach prepping for our holiday in October, so getting into my office, and setting up some space that I can do all the stuff I’d like might be the most important thing right now. So I’m on that. Hopefully, it’ll be quite easy to get through the bit I’m not looking forward to (the cleaning and boxing of all the stuff scattered in the room) and trying out paint etc can come next.

The saga of follow vs subscribe - Am I the A**hole?

Disclaimer - before I write about this next bit, I want to be clear. I don’t like being just a number, and while reaching out and asking once, tempting me with things I *might* like to think about that’s for subscribers only, if you do it more than twice, I’m going to assume you want me as a number, not as a person that you want to interact with.

I will also be clear - I’m grateful anyone is here. I don’t mind if you follow, subscribe, or upgrade to paying. I’m grateful for you all.

With that mindset in mind, I want to talk you through something that unfolded over last weekend through to yesterday, when I finally called time on it. And I wanted to ask if I handled it wrong, or if people agree or disagree.

I follow from my feed all the time - I’ve stopped interacting with any ‘drop your links here if you’re under (x) because, with no offense to those that do follow through, most people promise to interact, and never do. It’s also…I think… not the way I want to build my readers. I pick up my own follows/subscribes from my feed. As I’m drawing back from other platforms (like X), I’m picking up other places to read and find interesting things. Substack is it.

I followed someone a couple of weeks ago - we’ll call her Evie. Evie was talking about claiming back her power after abuse, so I followed her. Her first post was a bit ‘I’m a victim, homeless, at my lowest ebb’, but I thought following might make her feel better. I didn’t think anything more of it until her next post. The reason I followed, over subscribing is while I read what lands in my inbox, I’m more likely to interact if I follow people. It might be a bit backwards, but as I’m moving on and off platforms, it’s just how my workflow has ended up.

So. I followed, I interacted, I did my usual. Over the last week, Evie has posted about being chased out of the writing community, because of various things she’d done. That *instantly* put my back up, so I very carefully watched what she was saying in her posts. It put my back up because if she really had been in the situation she was, there’s a chance I know who she is. I spend a lot of time helping out on Facebook, and there’s only a few people that fit what she’s describing, and none of them were people I wanted to interact with back then. More worryingly, everything she’s talking about makes me tense - which is all on me, and because of that I didn’t say anything at first.
I don’t want to tell people what to write, but, I also don’t want to put myself in a place where I’m reading and interacting with people that…remind me of how I used to feel all the time. A lot of her posts, and then messages to me over the last week, have talked about needing money and support. They said that subscribers helped them - which implied that had I signed up as a subscriber, I’d be paying her, and I’m not sure I want to subscribe and pay someone to pour sadness and anger into my day - especially if I can’t help. And I don’t believe, necessarily, giving money does anything other than cause trouble when people can’t give it any more. I feel like someone that’s homless and relying

And this is where it got messy. It started to become clear that she was talking to so few people that she could spend time targeting each of us, and calling us out. The last few messages from her to me talked about how, like many of her other followers that weren’t subscribing, I lived an especially privileged life, and I should be sharing that with others. She specifically called out the fact that I’m not being supportive only following her, and instead of being a metric that pushes her up in notes, and supports her that way, I’m a parasite. I watch and enjoy her misery.

Her final message before I unfollowed her prompted a response. She’d been ‘Oh sweetie'ing me for all of her emails. ‘Oh sweetie, consider following and paying $4 a month, it’d mean the world to me. Your $4 would get me a hot drink’. That sort of stuff. And I’m not heartless, I donate where I can. It just so happens that this month, I’ve done some really big donations elsewhere and didn’t have the spare cash to do it. I responded and told her that, and said I’d consider it in another month.

And that’s when she sent her final message.

“Oh sweetie, why are you supporting domestic violence orgs, when I’m a victim - a real one that you can see and communicate with? That donation - the one you mentioned on your blog - that could have been a month of rent for me - or a stay in a hostel, and a clean shower, good food for a few days. Fuel for my car. Keeping my phone online so I can write. Even money towards a new laptop. You could have done all of that, and instead, you’ve donated to charities that may have already turned me away. How can you say you’re a good person if you’re donating to the places that won’t help me?
You’re just virtue signalling. You’re as bad as the people that dug up what I’d done, and caught me out when I was kicked out of the community. Subscribe, or I’ll out you as someone that only virtue signals. Or, send me the receipt, I’ll apply for those funds myself,
You have ten hours
Evie

P.S. I saw your rant on AI. You have no idea what you’re talking about, and I can be who I like being this avatar. I know you, I’m someone you’ve interacted with before. You should help me now. ”

(at this point, I also want to acknowledge, I don’t know how I attract or stumble across these people. I dunno if it’s because my brain thinks ‘oh, I can help these people’, or if it’s bad luck but….yeah….this is why i’m asking if I’m the ass).

I waited a day, and sent her this.

“Hi Evie,
I don’t know why you’ve trawled my feeds to be able to talk to me the way you did, but if you were aiming for a personal touch, you’re well off the mark. Your last post, and your anger that I hadn’t donated what I had directly to you feels a bit too much. I feel like the boundary that I’d prefer to sustain aren’t sustainable between you and I, and I’m sure that it’s not me. I may not have replied until now, but complaining that I’m responsible for your lack of support is something I categorically reject.
I’m sorry that you are hurt, but you must know that there are others just like you out there, and those charities do what they can to help. As for the AI comment - I don’t force others not to use AI, but I have looked at your page and felt, for someone reclaiming themselves, it’s not in line with your message. But I understand, if you’re someone that wants to stay hidden, then ok.

I am truly sorry that you’ve had the problems that you have. I hope you find resources that can help you, because begging people to pay for hot drinks, as a regular subscription, isn’t a solution. It may work shorter term, but if life continues to get hard for people, I am concerned that you’ll be reliant on income that may not stay stable. And I can’t give you advice on that one - I struggle myself sometimes. I am grateful for everything I have, but I’m not willing to set myself on fire to heat others. I’ve done that. If you know me well, you’ll know why I can’t keep doing it. Again, for that, I’m sorry. I won’t change my behaviours, because that’s not the kind of sorry I mean. I mean I’m sorry you feel I’m not meeting your needs. If I can’t though, I can’t.

I live with a disorder that means I can’t work - but twice a year, out of my royalties, I do donations to places that my readers vote on. If I don’t have royalties, like now, I make a minimum donation. I don’t give this to other people. I simply donate to charities which I know are solid ones - one UK, one US. It never feels like it’s enough, but it’s honestly difficult to feel like anything is ever enough in the mess that the world is becoming.

I’d like to address something you said though. Being angry with someone for not paying you - regardless of what their life is - isn’t right. Blackmailing someone to get them to comply is a toxic behaviour that I won’t tolerate in people I interact with.
Before those last few messages though, in my case, I’ve felt that subscribing to you would make me feel more helpless and uncomfortable - I am learning to build boundaries myself, and the one I find hardest is to protect myself from things that upset me. I’m upset on your behalf - that you are struggling, that there’s nothing I can suggest that hasn’t been suggested by others, and quite honestly, I think those that are offering you real ideas to fix things, that you shoot down, show that you’re not ready or not willing to move on, and because of that, unfortunately, I think I’ll have to stop interacting with you. That was a choice I’d made before your messages. That last toxic threat though - while I understand it may have been out of desperation - is one step too far.

I do wish you all the best. Especially if we know one another. Why you won’t identify who you are in private is something that may have changed my response, but I think I know who you are, and in which case, I’d have blocked you - either way, I feel like we’ve reached the end of our interactions.
I don’t care what you tell others about me. Just as you are living your truth, I’m learning to live mine. Mine includes healthy barriers so I’m not eaten alive trying to save one person while the world burns, as I have a habit of doing that, and it ends poorly for everyone. I hope one day, you might be in a place to understand that. I do understand that as you may not be ‘there’ yet, it’ll feel like a cop out, but I can mostly live with my actions. What you said in your last three DM’s and the threat you added in your last, makes me feel like I’ll leave you now, and hope you get all the help you need.

Kai”

So. Am I in the wrong?
What would you have done to handle it? Other than not respond, I mean.
I really didn’t want to let this go without making it clear to her that I wasn’t happy, and I wasn’t just noping out of my ‘if you follow me and I think we fit, I follow or subscribe back’.

Yours, hoping I’m not,
Kai